Friday, July 23, 2010

Napkin Scribble #5

"and while the people sleep"
he dreams in ink


he disguises each dream in a verse and hook


mumbling
head bobbing all through the night


Track #1 - that one will get him the car of his dreams


and he knows when the ladies see it
He'll be sought after like a shooting star in the night 


everyone will be wishing to take a ride
and he'll give the people what they want


everytime.




-Jacqueline Naami

The White Flag

As soon as I get that red flagged warning, I am DONE. There is no need to push it. I am too young. I will fight for some things but only those things which deserve it. Until those things present themselves, I'll keep it moving. Sometimes the walk is strenuous and I get tired. It is usually in those moments of respite that I found myself missing what I know is better left behind. I turn around and it's still so close by. Usually, this is where great friends come in or an inspiring song or strengthening book and it urges me to continue the difficult walk. At every rest-stop I turn my head. Eventually, I can't see that thing anymore. It's too small. I have grown above it. I am towering now.
I realize that all of these things which I thought were good for me and that I have since had to leave behind are not reflections of some cursed life of mine. See, there is a lot more crazy in this world than good and so it makes since that so many encounters would prove unfruitful despite the hope that I have invested in them, but see I'll only need one tree to plant a fruitful seed in me. One. In the midst of a million red flags, I only need one white one blowing in the breeze. I'll hold mine up too and we'll surrender together.

...in due time.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Boy in The Orange Trunks

I am sitting in the park trying to reorganize my work/life balance and suddenly I hear this obtrusive and barely comprehensible voice. It breaks through my peace like a stubby finger bursting bubbles. It draws my attention snatching me from the word of Malcolm X which I gripped tightly with both hands.


-GET YO ASS BACK THERE!- he yells


I follow the aim of his raging voice and it lands like a bullet on a tiny little boy. He immediately bursts into tears as the bullet of the hostile man's words fall upon him. He is a tiny little boy, bright orange swimming trunks. They are long in a mature way, worn the way a teenage boy might. He wears a tiny white t-shirt over his little chest and his head is bald. He is maybe 4 years old.


An older boy (7 or 8) runs up to guide the crying one back to the fountains that are spewing water from the ground. Tens of kids are currently running in between the fountains, screaming, laughing, trotting around in glee, while this little boy cries just nearby. None of the other children take notice. The man yells again,


-YEAH, BRING 'EM HERE!-


The little boy in orange trunks makes a sudden dash for freedom (I would have too). The older boy chases after him. I turn to look at the fuming man to gadge his reaction.


The man is fat. He wears faded jean shorts and a dirty wife-beater with fringed, unraveling edges. His stomach and love handles threaten to burst through the fabric. . His hair is cut close to his scalp and his face is like that of a dark raisin. He looks meeeeaaan and his squinting makes it worse. I have this feeling that he is young, late 20s early 30s but he looks more like 45 or so.
His back is to me now.


He is leaning over the back of a park bench. His flat wide ass is showing, his ass crack soaking up the sun. When he stands back up I see in his hand a belt- a purple belt- a leather purple belt-white on the inside.


He starts the long march across the courtyard to find the little boy in the orange trunks. His steps are heavy and his weight falls sloppily with each step. He leads with his forehead, walking forward but always looking down.


(I shake my head)


His arms swing hard as they push his fatty body through the air. The heat, I know is making him slump harder.


I try to beat him to the boy-
with my eyes, that is.
I am trying to figure out where he ran off to.
I am running out of time
the fat man's walk, though sloppy is deliberate so I know that his eyes are locked on the little boy in the orange trunks.


FINALLY, I spot him!
 The fat man is only a few sloppy steps away. He reaches him, raises his left arm, hand clenching the purple leather belt, he lets all of his power fall onto that young boys back.


I listen for a scream or cry but I hear nothing that I can distinguish as that. If he did cry out, his pain was lost amongst the sounds of the other children in the fountain who were still yelping with joy.


The boy had run off to some woman. After the boy was struck, she snatched him into her arms, cradling him, protecting him.


Now she and the fat man appear to be speaking about something. He is walking away, but  turns his head over his shoulder to continue the conversation.


After a while he whips his head around and begins the walk back to his bench, walking forward but looking down.


I wonder if he feels as though he got his point across. I wonder if he feels strong.


-Jacqueline Naami

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Waffle House Journaling Continued.

I can feel myself on the brink of some intellectual maybe spiritual (maybe both)  break through.

I know that the combination that is guiding closer to my genesis is:

1. Self Love
2. Literature
3. Karma
4. And Positive Company/ energy around me.

I love myself. I embrace myself even though I am not the "prototype".
I am not all those things that I grew up being told made you pretty.
My face is not symmetrical, my skin not too clear, and my toes (smh) my toes are fat and short and stubby.

I am not complaining, not at all.

"Everything I'm not made me everything I am" so I am pleased

I can't help what's not symmetrical
but I can give up soda (@Frankeyz)
and my toes? You can all suck my toes. (I mean that with Love)

I do not feel inferior because my hair is very very short when it's wet or because I can't lay it down my back or because my skin is dark or because my toenails are hardly ever painted or because I have more African fabric than I do Forever 21 clothing

"No, you won't find me at no store. I have no time for manicures. with you it's never either or 'cause nothing even maters no more"

No one can love you like you can yourself. Unfortunately, in this world self Love takes practice. I have found release in literature tho.

It teaches you empathy so that you relate to another's hardship, happiness, sorrow, whatever. It broadens the mind and as I read (usually accompanied by music) I feel my heart and mind growing. Suddenly I  understand and care for people who in real life I would not have projected positive energy towards.
Sometimes that person you are learning to respect is yourself.

This sense of connectedness makes the world seem close to you
suddenly that vast space is condensed and you relate to everyone. You learn that all your quirky habits and lame jokes are accepted somewhere, somehow. You have options. The possibilities become endless. You know better how to accurately express yourself.

When your best friend breaks a dear promise
you are no longer -so mad!!-
you are irate

He isn't cute but instead he has -Kind eyes and a smile that refreshes like cold water on a dozing face-
there isn't -something about him-
instead - he awakens something in inside of you that you thought had gone away-

literature is key and with an appreciation for life and ppl you tend to treat ppl better because you relate to all life and feel their presence as part of the whole.
The Universe
and you know that the Universe is peace and while searching for peace you project goodness and thus create a stream of good karma in your life

blessing after blessing

this attracts individuals with positive natures who are seeking the same peace as you and you build on one another, stimulate each others thoughts, and engender dreams that uplift their hearts. There is support and drive. All of this pushes you to simultaneously want more- rather NEED more that what is provided in an average life of average thinking and practical goals, while always being satisfied.

"If I can't have what I want then my job is to want what I have and be satisfied that at least there is something more to want"

contradictorily peaceful but ALWAYS a soft urge pushing you to keep striving....

ummm. Yeah, The end!

-Jacqueline Naami

Biko.

*Anyone who knows me very well knows that I meet more strangers in one week than most people do in a month. I rarely ever approach these strangers, they usually approach me. Not necessarily wanting anything, just wanting to talk. Here is one such encounter...



I was standing at the train station last Friday waiting on a good friend of mine to pick me up when a strange man approached me from my left side and softly said

- Hello, I just wanted to say be careful with the light.-

I was confused so I con't to listen.

-The way the light is shining you can see straight through your dress-

That day I was wearing a dress that hadn't existed prior to me tying it around my body. It is really just a pink shawl that in the winter is a pink scarf and on a bad hair day is a head wrap and on a sunny day it is a curtain and at a picnic it is a blanket and I could go on but last Friday it was a pink sundress

I told him
-Thank you. I am wearing a slip though.-

-Oh-
he says
- well, I guess it is just your silohuette but be careful you don't cause any car accidents-

And he walked away. He was a Muslim man so he may have actually had real concern-  : /

either way later on the conversation continued

He asks for a pen
I look in my bag and grab one (I have several)
He says -thank you-
I tell him he can keep the pen (I do have several)
He says - Oh, I am just being blessed today-
I smile


he asks if I am fine
I say -yes-
He asks if I am sure
I say -yes, I am

He asks me my name
I say -Jacquie-
he says -What's your other name?-
I say-Emefa-
he looks surprised and tries to pronounce it

He asks if it's a Muslim name
I say- No, Ghanaian-
he says he plans to go there someday

He asks if I love myself
I say -yes-
He says- are you sure?-
I say- Yes, I am-
He says- Okay, everybody doesn't though, you know?-
I nod

He tells me he likes my hair
Loves that its natural
That when he sees a black woman with natural hair
he assumes she loves herself
-It's something I typically presume- he says
He says he knows some sisters with perms that had to get hysterectomies (I am not sure if one caused the other or if there is just some correlation)

I get up to leave
he hands me his card
he says-my name is Biko-
I am several feet away from him now
I can't hear what he is saying

-I'm sorry?- I say
he raises his chin and his voice- My name is Biko-
-Oh, like Stephen-
I don't ask this. I declare it
as I turn to continue towards the car I see him begin a slow nod

-Yes, exactly- Its faint but I hear it

I smile amused at how surprised this man seems to be by the fact that I know a little history
I sit in the car and turn the card over
his name was Stephen

Stephen Biko

I felt the Universe align slightly.

-Jacqueline Naami

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Light It Up.

Waffle House Journaling

I keep trying to write about what I've been feeling lately. But it never works when I try. It's as though I am thinking so much at once that there is no true image. There is only space-absent of time-only a feeling

I've been thinking imageless thoughts. Thoughts reflected only in feelings.

and there is no particular one.
 It is this contradicting mix of peace and anxiousness
acceptance and a burning desire for change
expanded upon by an extreme feeling of endless hope  and a yearning for unchartered Love

All of this is inside of me all together at once.
spinning. swirling. turning. picking up strength and power as it gains velocity.
tearing me down inside until I reach that moment of still.

STILL. (there is power in stillness "He leads me beside still waters;
He restores my soul."
)

You know the moment of which I speak. That moment enacted in so many films. That high intensity moment that becomes so climatic  that everything suddenly goes quiet and glass (for instance) is shattered in slow motion and you see every piece break rigidly from the other creating the most uniquely shaped jagged edges. spread in space like some mosaic masterpiece. beauty and a weapon.
in one shard of glass you see your face reflected- pain ridden and shocked and suspended in time.
The once earsplitting scene of uncontrollable chaos and noise is suddenly a suspension of complicated peace. Because you can feel yourself on the brink of resolution. There is peace in even the most painful resolution because there is a STILLNESS that comes with closure.



That's the feeling inside of me- a calming contradiction. a slow motion depiction of organized chaos.

I can feel myself on the brink of some intellectual maybe spiritual (maybe both)  break through.

I know that the combination that is guiding closer to my genesis is:

Self Love
Literature
Karma
And Positive Company/ energy around me.


I would go deeper into each one of those sectors as I did in my journal but probably no one will even take the time to read all of this to the very end.


-Jacqueline Naami

Refined Consciousness.

all of these fools stuck in yesterday are missing the point of now still talking about what they'll do tomorrow



when I am late. I often just relax and soften my gait but make each step deliberate. I hate to rush now. I hate to rush the moments. I am slooooow like that. I like to meander.

take my time. send the impulse to stand before I even rise. so that if your watching closely you might have caught me floating. so connected from the mind to body. I can jump in right at the opening. defying gravity.
because my walk transcends time. it is weightless. effortless. no ballet just straight spiritualness. flying now so that I can reach the sky tomorrow. explore this galaxy- so large I can't even begin to comprehend it and when I think of this Earth and the fact that it is just a miniscule dot in a never ending blanket of space 

never ending

space

never ending space

it gives me goosebumps
which remind me that I am human
which immediately humbles me

I kneel down and hail all to this powerful limitless Universe
for the Universe is God  
and God is energy
And Gods energy is positivity
and positivity is Love 
and Love

Love is all I ever wanted.... all in due time


 "you're so deep lately" 
I think I am just so BLACK lately
so proud lately
so hopeful lately

still myself but refined

"I am trying to protect what I keep inside. All the reasons why I live my life"


I want to love me. Love me more than you do.  Love me before I love you...

you...
who ever you are.

:) and I can't wait to meet you. 

(won't it be something if I already know you? Oh, how we'll laugh about that. How we missed what was right before our eyes but all in due time)


-Jacqueline Naami

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Monday, July 5, 2010

Napkin Scribble #4

swelling like a chest full of pride 
except keep the P and take the -ride 
for it was pain that was filling me inside
- a cardiac war- the loss eating me alive- 
battle ground was the heart- no armor- no remorse- 
just scars- and it hursts- 
call this a broken heart
cause where I lost
someone won

Napkin Scribble #3

that twisted and unexplainable feeling of dread in my gut
has been building pressure behind my eyes
my body-despite the demands of my mind- is threatening to to give way
I take deep breathes
head pounds like the drums of my Mother's Land--> the pain a result of not claiming the natural path
did you even follow that?
no time to make sure you overstand
no time to waste
we may have reached the end

Napkin Scribble #2

feeling like I lost something I never had
looking for something I've never seen
missing something I never loved

the heart is a paradox
full of contradictions
full of riddles and puzzles
often full of confusion

Napkin Scribble #1

not even sure how to feel today /accompanied only by my speakers/ they always stay close by and I can close my eyes and fly straight to the sky/ like a lost balloon minus the crying baby in his two's/ it's just me sitting in a room and no one even knows that I am gone/ scary part is I don't mind

-Jacqueline Naami

Sunday, July 4, 2010

One Day

one day..

one day all of the things I've hoped for will be right before my eyes.
when I wake and see them
I will immediately pray:

"Dear God, Lord, Jah, Jehovah, Yeshua, Almighty, Denzel,

(Whatever I might call him then, it seems the cool thing now-a-days to switch between names)

Thank you for my fruit
I love the way it tastes and it is growing so fine
and its true the apples don't fall far
for they are just like their dad
but they have my smile
and thank you for all the noise
and all the broken glass
we clean it always right away
no mess in this garden

no, it is where we play
naked all through the day
we know each other in this Eden
we respect each other in this Eden
and we invite others to play

and thank you for tree trunk
we are so strong
the one that broke tho
we use that stump as a table now
we eat dinner there so that we always reunite at our roots
at the heart of the ones that fell down so that we may stand and break bread
we break bread on their back
and sometimes the cat climbs the other tree and when we can't reach him
we stand on the shoulders of the stump
it is always there

and thank you for the river that passes just along the back fence
we drink there
sunbathe in your rays
skip rocks
teaching the small ones just how to do it right
we wanna make sure they're prepared for life.

thank you for all the fruit.
it's never been so sweet
and I will do my best to keep it growing for my grand kids.



hands together and bowing in thanks,

Jacqueline Naami"

Happenings

I realize that life will happen to you whether you want it to or not
that life will happen to you just when you think you're on the brink of happy
just to see if you know what life is worth
just to see if you know what you're worth
just to see if you can adjust

Life will happen
that is life
and life is happenings

and happenings are history
and history is knowlegde
and knowlege is learning
and learning is a lesson
and a lesson is enlightenment
and enlightenment is clarity
and clarity is strength
and strength is power
and power is confidence
and confidence is belief
and belief is value
and value is moral
and moral is your heart
and your heart is your soul
and your soul is the definition of you
and you are

all that you can be

and

all that you should be

and

its all or nothing in this game of life


-Jacqueline Naami

Tracy Chapman - Crossroads




"I'm trying to protect what I keep inside. All the reasons why I live my life"


"Save my Soul, Save Myself"