I keep trying to write about what I've been feeling lately. But it never works when I try. It's as though I am thinking so much at once that there is no true image. There is only space-absent of time-only a feeling
I've been thinking imageless thoughts. Thoughts reflected only in feelings.
and there is no particular one.
It is this contradicting mix of peace and anxiousness
acceptance and a burning desire for change
expanded upon by an extreme feeling of endless hope and a yearning for unchartered Love
All of this is inside of me all together at once.
spinning. swirling. turning. picking up strength and power as it gains velocity.
tearing me down inside until I reach that moment of still.
STILL. (there is power in stillness "He leads me beside still waters;
He restores my soul.")
You know the moment of which I speak. That moment enacted in so many films. That high intensity moment that becomes so climatic that everything suddenly goes quiet and glass (for instance) is shattered in slow motion and you see every piece break rigidly from the other creating the most uniquely shaped jagged edges. spread in space like some mosaic masterpiece. beauty and a weapon.
in one shard of glass you see your face reflected- pain ridden and shocked and suspended in time.
The once earsplitting scene of uncontrollable chaos and noise is suddenly a suspension of complicated peace. Because you can feel yourself on the brink of resolution. There is peace in even the most painful resolution because there is a STILLNESS that comes with closure.
That's the feeling inside of me- a calming contradiction. a slow motion depiction of organized chaos.
I can feel myself on the brink of some intellectual maybe spiritual (maybe both) break through.
I know that the combination that is guiding closer to my genesis is:
And Positive Company/ energy around me.
I would go deeper into each one of those sectors as I did in my journal but probably no one will even take the time to read all of this to the very end.